The Autosport Show - Dermot gives a Preview

It is sometimes said that some of the adverts on TV are better than the programmes. The entertainment quality of advertisements on the Monoposto Forum is also pretty high when Dermot Healy has an input. The following is repeated for those who don't read the Forum (for example those who take Startline in paper form). The exchange started when Nick Rudd asked:

"Can anyone help? My White Power dampers are well past their best and the springs that go with them are ropey looking too, hence I would like to get some replacements at the Autosport show. Does anybody know the open and closed lengths of the dampers (I haven't taken them off yet to measure), but more importantly, the spring rates?
Thanks in advance,
Nick."

Dermot replied:

Nick

If you embark on the plan you describe
(a) you will sit in traffic jams on the M5 & M42
(b) then be directed round & round by guys in yellow jackets to a car park in Borsetshire where someone will sit in a box taking £20 notes
(c) then you'll wait in queues for the queues to get in queues
(d) then you'll be accosted by scantily clad women
(e) meet the odd Monoposto member whose name you not remember & will mistake for someone else
(f) buy two pairs of brightly coloured springs (Special Show Offer 30% offer...so that will be a mere 72.40+vat=£82.26)...
(g) then look for something to eat
(h) then be accosted by more scantily clad women & find you self signing up for a year's subscription to some Haymarket weekly garbage
(i)...even longer queues..
(j) then you go to various dampers specialists who will show you dampers at £4800+vat a set... with graphs( i) so then you'll find a stand with rather cheaper dampers on offer (...but which might also have graphs)...set of four Special SHOW OFFER £82.60 +Vat ea =£379.96 & the guy (with well gelled hair & shiny teeth in a nice logoedshirt) will assure you they are ideal for a Vauxhall-Lotus....(having confused it with a Vauxhall Corsa...not that he gives a monkies 'cos he's got your creditcard......).....but then you'll struggle back with this stuff in plastic bags.....and you'll be pleased because the dampers will have names you'll have heard of (AVO....sounds aeronautical...or GAZ....Russian military vehicles? perhaps not....but everything will be nicely anodised and shiny)......and then several days later you'll find they dont fit as they foul the cross member at the front, and the gearbox case at the rear.....which is probably just as well as they will perform worse than your existing set up if you did ever get them fitted..............but by then you'll have stripped the thread or snapped the bolt holding the dampers to the front casting and wont be able to get dampers on or off...
........so why not just give me a ring (07703-162409) & I will suggest a rather cheaper and more effective alternative course of action & if I can't convince you I'll still tell you the spring rates and lengths you need, as well as the things that might cause a problem."

For those wishing to ignore Dermot's advice (surely none so rash? - ed) the Autosport Show is on at the NEC from Thursday 8th to Sunday 11th January 2009. Your Startline team are hoping to attend and bring back a brief report.

Unaccountably, despite the high quality of our illustrations, this is the most googled picture on Startline. These are 2 charming and scantily clad women at Autosport 2007, purely for illustrative purposes.

A helpful salesman .

Nick's Vauxhall Lotus

A handy cut-out-'n-keep map of Borsetshire (click to enlarge)

Queues

A Gaz vehicle