David Parkinson - That Championship Year

It's widely recognised that the Mono 1600 championship provides a fastpath to fame, glory and – let's face it – wealth in motorsport. Even so, few could have predicted the rollercoaster ride which faced David Parkinson when, after a tough battle, he lifted the club's premier trophy last year.

It all began so well. The press and glitterati surrounded him. We've already shown a picture of him with the Queen and Nicole Pussycat-Doll but that was just the start. The Pope, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa (isn't she dead? ed), and Nigel Mansell all clambered to be seen with him. He became a popular judge on “X-Factor” where his catchphrase of “that was piggin' pathetic” became a national phenomenon.

The video game cover

Soon the endorsements were rolling in. A prominent midland building society, unable to afford Lewis Hamilton like their larger rival, chose David as their public face. Unfortunately they noticed too late that he wasn't black and therefore made him appear, for balance, with their second choice (“just call me Robert” - see pic). “He seemed a nice man”, said David.

Next came the video game, Dave of Thunder. As it was based on the never popular 1990 movie, Days of Thunder, it may have seemed an odd choice. But David employed Simon Davey to negotiate an exclusive distribution deal with Poundland, where Simon obtained a £1.50 per copy royalty for David.

It was almost inevitable that Formula One would beckon. David told us “It's obviously a sideways move after Mono 1600, but we took some advice. Colin Kolles said that whatever we did, we musn't choose names that can be abbreviated to something embarrassing.” [Colin Kolles is MD of HRT and was formerly at MFI - ed]. “So after starting off calling ourselves AVIT F!, the obvious name, we changed it to Parkinson Motoracing Team.” When Startline noticed that this could be shortened to PMT, a spokesman for the team shouted at us and then cried a lot. And also said that in any case, when the serious sponsorship arrived the name was changed to KiplingGP.

Startline asked why the team never appeared on the grid despite a car being shown (see picture). David explained: “In part it was a sponsorship issue and in part, problems with the FIA. It began when we were told it helped if we were “friends of Bernie”, which we weren't.” Startline pointed out that this didn't mean the same as “friends of Dorothy”. David continued: “Then the FIA decided to inspect the Bottesford Unified Manufacturing Facility And Research Team, or BUMFART as Colin Kolles suggested we abbreviate it. They came to see the wind tunnel and the computational fluid dynamics system.” Startline was also shown these facilities. The first was David blowing smoke over a Scalextric model while Mrs P stood behind with a vacuum cleaner, tutting gently, whilst the second was a Casio scientific calculator and Microsoft Paint on a Windows98 laptop. We suggested this may not have impressed the FIA, but David explained they thought them innovative and courageous. “Their exact words were 'We've never seen anything like this. You've got a nerve.' Though they did say that on the whole we had a load more credibility than USF1, and Ewen and his Dad had actually made a car, which HRT hadn't.”

So what was the crucial reason that the project ceased? “I was going to be number one driver, but we had our eyes on a second driver who had everything - another Vettel. He was young, fast, hungry, and came with money. Michael Dale. I approached him and he asked what would get him the drive. When I said 'five million', he didn't bat an eyelid, but unfortunately it was a bad phone line and he thought I said 'ride pillion.' ”

Of course, the end of the F1 project wasn't the real low point. “I went to the newsagent to read Autosport without buying it, as usual, and there was the News of the World headline - “Parky in pleasant afternoon tea scandal”, and it broke my story.” What is now known as the “flour-based substance abuse” issue was a big one. “It began innocently” said DP. “I had a digestive or two with my tea. I could handle it. But there are “pushers” in the Mono paddock – and I'm not talking about getting the cars to scrutineering. No names, but there are two, both with the initials SH and both first names begin “S-A-R”. Soon I was onto the fairy cakes, cup cakes and then it became serious. Sponges and..” - David's eyes sink in shame to the floor - “the heavy stuff - Dundee Cake and Rich Fruit Cake. It was out of hand. I was spending more on cake than I was winning in Monoposto. It had to stop, so I tried Cold Turkey.” We asked if that worked. “Not really. After I'd eaten the cold turkey, I just felt like a piece of cold Christmas pud with brandy butter.” So what did David do? “I bought a new belt.”

And so to this season. DP has had to give way to Nigel Davers, though he's kept the fight going and given the youngster a run for his money. And he's not happy. “It's against the spirit of Mono. He's young and talented. Where's the fairness in that?” The interview ended with David giving some advice to Nigel “Enjoy your championship year, but be careful. All that glitters isn't gold. Sometimes it's those tasty little sugar balls you get on wedding cakes.”

The KiplingGP F1 car at its launch with sponsorship.

Cake Baroness "SH1" remained tight lipped when questioned at Silverstone. (Actually we couldn't shut her up. Just like normal.)

Report and Interview by Norbert Pattingham

A previously seen image of DP with Nicole Etcetera.

DP with fellow face of fiscal rectitude, "BobM" of "Harare"

Looking cool and unemotional on stage at Glastonbury with Kylie & The Scissor Sisters